I'm tired.

Not much more to say.

13.5hours of moving today (with a 1hr lunch break). And uhh, 12hrs yesterday.

I'll be at the Tattered from 11am to 4pm tomorrow at which point I go home to shower and go to work.

I'll be home from work by 4am.

then I sleep a little.

And i have no idea what Sunday is going to look like, but I do know that I'm going to Jazz in the Park.

cause I need it.


i'm tired.

and now to bed.

just to give you an idea of why I suck lately at being sociable:



and




the photos aren't great.... but that's my life right now.

oh and, visit the website that I've been creating.

also, not really that great and not really that finished, but you get the gist!!!
www.jespacservices.com



monday is my day off.

all of it. Nothing but pool time and... I dunno, something good. Probably food. Maybe alcohol, but it'll hit me like a ton of bricks if I drink, so maybe a beer. or two.

now I have new emotions!

and ads.

sorry, but I never even notice them... maybe y'all will never click to my journal so you won't have to notice them either!!


whoa.

gotta go to bed.

silly jessica bunny. (cause jessica rabbit is already a been taken as a name)

so currently I am dealing with a lot...

but, in fact, I am not really dealing with any of it. I'm just letting it all pass through me until I can get up the energy and the courage to start figuring out what I want to do about it.


some of the "bigger" issues:

Darren has decided to move to Eastern Europe in July. He'll be there for a year and will have to be back Fall '07 to start grad school.

Huge bummer.

as you can tell by my detached emotional state, I am not dealing with this issue. Though it is putting some amount of tension on our relationship. Understandably.


another issue: my dad and I are trying to put together this big deal that might make us some money but A)I'm not really allowed to talk about it and B)my dad has put all the responsibilty to make it happen on me. And that deal should be set and in the works by the end of next week.


one last one: I started smoking again two days ago... just cause I didn't want to deal with another stress.

so there.

and don't bug me about it cause it makes me grumpy enough (wink).


I've been really slacking on the journal thing but I'm quite sure I'll step it up a ton in the next few weeks. Just cause I'll have a good reason to do so.

but I'll have to get back into the swing of it.

right now, I'm okay with not dealing. It'll come though. SOon.

okay. So I have to announce to the world that I'm doing it cause it'll help in my efforts to quit.

I recieved "the patch" for free from a phone support network and I put it on after my shower this morning.

I got super dizzy but I'm starting to get used to it.

I am done with cigarrettes. Any help y'all can offer is needed. Apparently this will be the worst week ever and I'm doing all I can to help myself.

My biggest struggle will be at work and then afterwards when I go to comedy tonight.

Smoky bars are going to be my downfall. It was "easy" to keep from smoking in December when I was on the boat with my family, but I slipped right back into the habit.

I think I just need to face the most difficult situations during my most difficult week and stay confident that I can do it.

This isn't going to become a quit-smoking journal, but I think I need to stay on top of my efforts and write down when I have slips and difficult times.


==========================

On another note, I'm excited for this summer. I have so much planned!! My birthday is in two weeks (the 12th!!) and I want to meet up with a ton of people at Lakeside for good clean cheap fun. I think it'll be open by then....

I'm going on a roadtrip with Pete and Steph and possibly Darren. We're gonna drive from Seattle to San Fran and camp the entire way.

...

gawd I can't even concentrate. This is gonna be tough.

my father is officially living alone. I helped him pick out a great apartment close to downtown and he moved in and set it up this weekend.

I'm pretty sure that I'm okay with this whole thing, but I'm worried that I should be feeling more angst. I think I really have just accepted the whole separtation thing cause it's been going on for so long.

And yet, I'm still in a state of minor depression.

Not to say that things aren't going extremely well for me right now. I have a job bartending (finally!) and I'm looking to make enough money to pay off some debts and save for future adventures. I am dating an amzing guy who spends a ton of time with me and is willing to make me a priority. I had a dream last night that a doctor found something wrong with my heart and it caused me to drop smoking immediately. That dream isn't true but I woke up this morning feeling like an ex-smoker.

I really don't know what my brain is doing but as I was faling alseep with Darren last night I had this enormous urge to get out of bed and write in my journal. I didn't cause I was too comfortable and couldn't come up with anything that I'd really like to write about.

I'm still in that state right now, but feel like I should put something down, at least to keep that urge from hitting me again tonight.

With Darren things are progressing slowly. We spend a ton of time together, we laugh and talk about silly things. We are friends and lovers and I know that this is something I can get used to. But I also am starting to feel like I'm missing something. I thought about it last night I have come to the realization that I want to talk about serious, scary things. I want to tell him about things that upset me and scare me and things that I want in my life. So I'm taking it slowly. I don't want to rush into anything. It's been almost two months since we started seeing eachother and I'm not yet ready to put a label on our relationship but I am ready to start thinking about things we could be doing later on in life.

We joked the other night about living in Fiji. Me with my bar and him teaching English to the locals. I was only half joking on my end and the fact that he was willing to joke about it made me think that he was only half joking as well.

I've been talking about my parents splitting up and the way it's been affecting my family. He's a great listener and asks good questions.

But I didn't cry. I haven't had a good cry in a long time.... it may account for the way I've been acting lately. I has some moments of PMS last week, but none of them resulted in crying, just a couple tears.

What is it about some people and the feeling that crying is nessecary? I think that an outpouring of that kind of emotion allows my body to release some of the emotional toxins it's been building up. I feel very confused about my emotions and I think a good cry would help me focus on where these emotions are coming from and how to identify each of them individually.

In truth I'd like to cry with someone near to console me. But I can't figure out how to focus all the sadness that I'm feeling when I'm alone, much less with someone near. All of the people I've been spending time with make me so happy that I have trouble finding sadness when I'm around them.

It's something I'm going to work on, so don't be surprised that, when I see y'all again, I'll be weeping.

I went apartment searching for my Dad today. It was a bizarre experience cause I don't know what kind of place he really wants. Suuure I know my dad, but I also know him in the "married to my mom" context. There is very little that I really know about him in his personal life.

Plus it was strange to be looking for an apartment for him. I've accepted the fact that they won't be together and this is just one more step in that whole process.

Everyone I've talked to just shrugs their shoulders and thinks it's perfectly normal. I, for some reason, can't get my head around it.

Not that I'm freaking out, I just don't know how to feel about it.

hmm.


anyway, I found an amazing one bedroom on 10th and Sherman that has wonderful light, good space, a gas range, and is walking distance to downtown (everything that he defined in his wish list). I had looked at some earlier that didn't peak my interest, but I wasn't sure cause they weren't for me.

I sent my dad an email about the last places I looked at and he just called to say that hetook the 3rd floor corner apartment! Talk about moving fast.

He's not even in the state! But he's gonna fill out the application and most likely sign a lease by tomorrow or Monday.

I'd really like to get in there and hang some paintings or get some plants and furniture before he comes back. I'd like to do it secretly, but I don't know how to secretly get a key to the place.... maybe I'll talk to my mom about it. She's got all the furniture...

well, even though we're already a month in I'd say that I'm starting off 2006 right.

I've been peaceful and smiley for most of the month due, I'll admit, to having someone around who I enjoy.

But this entry is not about Darren. Cause I've overwhelmed my journal with enougth smitten talk.

This entry is about money.

Lately my lack of it.

I went two weeks without work when I left the Auld Dubliner and spent any saving I had on drinking. So I've been in the hole for a while. I am making some money at Dixons but really not enough to support my lavish lifestyle. So early on in the week I applied for a job at the Wazee as a bartender and I'm going in tonight for a "working interview". Which means I'll be put behind the bar and they'll see how I do and then tell me whether or not I'm really hired.

Mayeb I'm overly confidant, but I'm not that worried about it. I'll be fine. I know how to bartend, I just have to get used to a new space. And I've sat at the bar there a few times so I have some idea where everything is.

I spoke to my friend who works there (who put in a great word for me) and she says that I impressed the manager the most out of 75 interviews she held that day. Maybe it's cause I was the last one she talked to, maybe it's cause I was one of 4 women she interviewed... I don't know. But I stuck out enough!

I don't really know what I'm going to tell the Dixon's people. I think it's going to be along the lines of "I don't make enough money here, but I still love you all. I haven't been offered the bartending position here, so I've had to look elsewhere for a bartending gig. Please don't be mad. I'd like to still work a couple days a week, if possible."

Wish me luck!!

**

funny story about the Wazee, Darren got food poisoning there 3 years ago and can't walk in the door without getting nauseated. I guess he won't be visiting me very often.

IF I get the job.

Keep your fingers crossed! I can't cross mine though, it's impossible to make a martini with crossed fingers.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/4682566.stm


I can't even believe the BBC anymore. This was probably some crazed kid, but since it happened in Israel the "police" (no word on which police or what their political motivations are) say that "the attack was politically motivated".

bullshit.

I'm not saying it definately wasn't, but there is no proof other than some people who think he looked Arab to back up the police statement.

I'm not gonna read anymore of the news stories. There is a slant on everything.


New York Times is decidedly liberal and everything is slanted, Fox News is decidedly right wing and all of those stories are worded in a right wing way. Maybe I'm not really interested in the facts but actually interested in how the news source reports the story. To see how worked up I can get about words.

I don't think I can cut myself off from the news but I can definately be a lot more armoured going into a news story. I just need to remember that there aren't anymore "factual" news sources. Everyone has a motivation for writing the story.

I really want to have access to the associated press reel, the one that types out facts:
"Knife attack on Israeli minibus. One woman killed. Others wounded. Israeli police say the attacker is Palestinian. No facts to back up that statement."

The end. None of this "one random bystander who was watching the arrest from across the street said he looked Arab."

is evil....


I've been obsessed with sending and recieving wierd pictures on myspace... getting super strange comments from friends.

I think I'm gonna have to cut myself off.

an example of a recent post:




sooooo... yeah. Logging off now.

Darren is no longer picking movies that we watch.

Glory Road followed by Wedding Crashers???

yeah.

okay. I'll choose from now on, buddy.

i've been in the strongholds of Broncos games, alcohol, and smittenness.

It's been awhile but I've been thinking about posting for a while.

Seriously though, I've been stressed about money. This Dixon's shit isn't paying enough. And I've been drinking away my pay.

So. Once again, I'm going to cut back on drinking. Tomorrow night is comedy night and I plan on spending $10. Good thing entry is free. Then I work every night from Thurs-Sun so I should have some money to work with come next Monday.

Broncos are not going to the SuperBowl. Yes, I am saddened by that thought. Specially cause I have that day off. But I'll be fine, there will be more football in less than a year.

====================================


Smittenness.

It's been treating me well. Darren's been entertaining me left and right. Friday night we drank at my place and played Uno and video games till we remembered that we were meeting people at the bar. We brought everyone back to my place for more drinks afterward and laughed a lot. Tonight we had a "date" for dinner at an Italian (pronounced eye-tah-leean in Darren's family) restaurant and then picked up Wedding Crashers to watch at my place. The movie went from funny to sappy pretty quickly and we were both very dissapointed. Didn't stop us from having a wonderful romp in the sack!

He doesn't sleep at my place unless it's a weekend though. Which sometimes bugs me, but tonight I was cool with is cause I was expecting it.

I sometimes send him drunken texts when I'm out without him and he told me today that he thought they were funny.

Everything I talk about these days pertains to him and I try to organize my week so that I can see him the maximum amount of times. It usually ends up being 3 or 4 times, which is good cause it's enough to keep me sane and enough so that both he and I can still go out without eachother.

I'm keeping from being emotional with him cause I want this to progress a little more slowly than the rest of my relationships. I do not want to be talking about the rest of our lives together 3 months from now.

But I don't feel like I'm holding back at all.... It's nice to want to kiss someone and be able to do that without all the weirdness that I've experienced before. It's nice to be at a bar with someone and not worry about where they're going when they get up from the table. It's nice to move slowly and have a ton of fun Right Now...

everything about this thing with Darren is nice. And easy.

except when my PMS kicks in when he doesn't get back to me right away. But that doesn't last long... the most "psycho" thing I've done is send him dirty text messages when I'm on my way home from the bars. And since he told me today that he likes it, I'll probably continue.


sigh. I'm silly.

ahhh Sunday.

recovery day. Also a day to spend with my friend lil' Rachel and her (now 2year old) lil girl!!

Also a day to succesfully cheer for the Steelers cause that means the Broncos don't have to play Indy and get to be home for their AFC championship game.

Also a day to reflect on last night's (and this early morning's) debauchery.

Also a day to come home at 8pm for dinner and a movie, alone.

thanks be to Sunday.

.............................


I've been enjoying my new/old friend/lovin' man Darren very much. He was happy to lend me some of his Bronco's gear yesterday but when I tried to return it this morning he didn't want it back. If I wash it I could be responsible for a Broncos loss next week.

whatever.

I won't wash it, but this superstition about clothing is silly. I really should wash it before the game next week cause he washed it for me yesterday.


blahblahblah.

I'm ready for my movie.

I've also noticed that when someone asks me "How're you doing?" my response has been "Excellent!" Cause that's how I feel these days.

despite being broke and iffy about my job situation I am generally happy.

and I'm trying not to contribute all of my happiness to spending time with Darren, but it's hard cause he makes me laugh so much.

to the Super Bowl!!

yippee kai yay mutha fuckas!!

see y'all after the victory.

and I won't even stress y'all out with the link.

but I love this quote:

"Leaders who believe they can create peace for themselves by creating war for others are mistaken."

who is it??? some peace leader?? A creator of a bumper sticker??? Me?

No. no, and no.

it's the Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad!! sigh. I love conflict abrewin'.

We need more troops!  came the cry from the White House.

maybe we should lower the age of army enrollment back to 16.  I'm sure we could get a ton of volunteers.  and then we could add women into the draft.

Then we could go to war in Iran too!!!  YAY!

funny how the BBC is getting me all kinds of riled up this morning after a great night of drinking.

the first:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4598062.stm

I would love to send this article to the "Summer's Eve" people.

and the second:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/4610196.stm

grr. If you read all the way down it gets a lot worse.

I don't even have words cause my head is pounding, but know that I'm all fired up!!

maybe I'll come up with more as I continue to read headlines.